Thursday, June 16, 2016

Back to back

It's been a two weeks now since I first took to my bed with back pain. I threatened my body with a trip to the doctors office and woke up a week ago feeling much better, though still stiff. The experience has been a bit of an eye opener for me, for a few different reasons.

I still struggle with assigning my self-worth by how much I get done in a day. My childhood had quite a bit of jump-up-and-look-busy and I still fight the need to do so to keep some imaginary peace. After nine years together, I still feel a flood of relief when Julian walks in the room to find me resting or doing something I enjoy and he isn't bothered by it.

In addition to not feeling well physically, I have felt quite low emotionally over the fact that Julian has been up and working around the house while I languish in bed, not sleeping, or pace the floors like the Hunchback of Notre Dame. I've been so bored. This creates a nasty cycle of medicating myself so I feel better so I can do more work, so I can feel better about my accomplishments but then I feel poorly for twice as long because I'm pushing my body beyond the boundaries it has set for me.

It has also become clear to me how much neglect my body has seen. So many women struggle with a negative perception of their bodies. I am the opposite. I grew up strong and beautiful, thin and flexible, fast. I am not that way anymore and I want to make a change, but objects at rest stay at rest, no?

Tomorrow morning, I will head to the orthopedist and have an x-ray just to be sure. I'm having lingering numbness in both legs and a feeling like bugs crawling on the back of my calf. I hope there is something to do to help. I'm a little concerned they will say it all looks normal.

Why does 33 have to feel so very different than 23?

*it's ok for all off you who are more advanced in age to roll your eyes at me now*


  1. I would NEVER roll my eyes! I think you herniated a disc. When you get the go ahead, I highly recommend learning exercises to strengthen your back and your core and some gentle yoga. I herniated a disc in 1999 (just by existing and be a lump). It was horrible. I was lucky to have PT and he taught me what I did to cause the problem and how to avoid it again.

    Sorry you was bored out of your gourd but now you can move forward and be productive with your crafting and your body health!!

  2. Oh honey, just wait till 50! You have to listen to your body. When it hurts, it's ok to slow down. I hope they can find out whats ailing you. Try and smile Amanda :-)

  3. Take care of yourself now is the best thing you can do! It is not easy getting older, but it's what we have to deal with. Here's what can get better though: we learn a lot in life and if we choose, we can grow inwardly into someone who is inwardly beautiful. For encouragement when laid up and feeling like you can't 'do' anything, I strongly encourage reading Elizabeth Goudge's The Dean's Watch and learning from Miss Montague. God bless you!

  4. Im not rolling my eyes...even though I am allowed with my advanced age....ha! but I feel ya...getting older stinks and everything is harder. I jump up when Bob walks into the room too. Why arent we allowed to take a moment of peace? We are allowed. Take care of yourself! Hope you get some answers at the doctors.

  5. These are beautiful, beautiful pictures. Looking forward to sharing them with E. :)

  6. I liked the last statement about older people rolling their eyes at your complaints of body aches. I doubt anyone would as it seems as if you truly did some damage somewhere and am glad to hear an x-ray is in the works. Hopefully, it will guide you and the doctor to the answers needed to improve your daily life.